This past weekend, I decided to take Toby to BrickFair, a big expo of Lego builders. That’s the quick and easy definition. That’s pretty much the description on the website. Since Toby is a big fan of Star Wars Lego sets, I thought it might be fun to let him see what people have built, using only their imaginations. But what the website conveniently omits is how bad it smells. (Warning: Wide arcing stereotype coming) Many Lego builders are quite socially awkward. Part of that awkwardness might lie in the fact that they don’t bathe or wear deodorant. Put a few thousand of them in one room, make sure it’s a hot weekend, and you have a mixing bowl of aromas. It was not pleasant. The Legos were amazing. The smell, not so much. But this wasn’t even the thing that worried me the most as we headed to the expo. I had read on the website that the lines could get very long and to expect to wait up to 30 minutes just to get in the door. 30 minutes to see Legos? Are you kidding me? There’s very few things I’ll wait 30 minutes for. Pizza to be delivered. That’s really all I can think of right now.
I’m not a big fan of waiting. Whether it’s traffic jams or restaurants or Starbucks, I just don’t have a lot of patience for waiting. Which is really tricky when the Bible tells us to “wait on the Lord.” I, like most people, would rather have the Lord wait on us. Of course, we don’t actually say that. That would show weakness. People might talk. It might tarnish our “Super Christian” badge.
The problem is that a big part of our life is made up of waiting. We want to start driving when we’re 11 but have to wait 5 more years. We want to drink but have to wait till we’re 21…or have a good friend that hit puberty early and can grow a full beard in 8th grade. We want to get married but have to wait till someone says “yes.” We want that job but have to wait to go through the interview process. And then wait while they interview others even though we know that there couldn’t possibly be anyone more qualified. Then we get the job and immediately want to retire.
We do a lot of waiting. Some of it is natural. Some of it is hard. Some of it keeps us up at night. And then we get the answer to our waiting. And sometimes it’s great. And obviously, sometimes it’s not. But the problem I face is that sometimes that answer defines me. Sometimes a “no” destroys my self esteem. And at the same time, a “yes” inflates my ego.
I’m in a period of waiting right now. And as strange as it may seem, I’m okay with not knowing the answer. Because the situation is so important to me, I’m afraid of what the answer might do. I’m afraid that if I hear the word “no,” that I will slip into a default mode of, “well, that makes sense. I’m no good. I’ll never be good enough to do that. I’m a failure.” A negative answer could easily define the way I think about myself and my ministry and my purpose. And that’s not good. But at the same time, a “yes” could also affect me negatively. If I hear “yes” and think that I have it all together, that the monkey is off my back, that I deserve this in some way, then I’ve still let the answer define me in an unhealthy way.
I believe that God wants me to see myself the same way no matter what the answer is. No matter what the circumstances are. Only then am I seeing myself the way God does. If I let situations dictate my self esteem then I will always just be one situation away from a Xanax. No matter how many “yes” answers I receive, eventually someone is going to say “no.” What then? It’s a roller coaster ride and it’s not one that God intends for me. Or for you.
What are the things you’re waiting on? And will your self esteem be defined by the answer? If so, you’re on a slippery path. I’m on a slippery path. I’m training for yet another marathon, and I know without a doubt that I will look back on this race as a success or failure based simply on whether I do or don’t hit a certain time. That’s not healthy. It’s also not healthy for my to overlook all the hard work I’m putting in just because I’m not as fast as so and so.
Waiting is tough. But waiting can also be a time that we allow God to assure us of who we are regardless of the answer. The waiting can be a forming and transforming time for us if we allow it. If you don’t get the job you so richly covet, will you walk away feeling worthless? What about if you don’t get a raise when those around you do? What if you’re still single while all your friends are planning weddings? These moments of waiting can stress us out. We can hinge our worth on the outcome. I have so many times. And I wish I hadn’t. I’d be in such a better place if I hadn’t. But I did. And the only thing I can do is to learn from those mistakes and to use the next period of waiting as a time to let God speak into my life. “Regardless of the outcome, you are loved.”
